


Shadows & Light

by electric_eel



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25612018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electric_eel/pseuds/electric_eel
Summary: Come in, out of the darkness.
Relationships: Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Comments: 86
Kudos: 86





	1. The Stranger

“Hey, man.”

Sam glanced up from his writing to see his best friend in his doorway. 

“Toby is done with the thing and he’s leaving Taylor’s office right now. Wants to grab a drink and a steak at The Palm. He said he earned it after dealing with the protesters this morning and then having to be the point person for the Sex Ed bill.”

“No thanks.” Sam went back to his notepad. 

“Are you sure?” Josh stepped inside. “Because you look like you could use a glass of scotch.”

“You’re one to talk,” Sam muttered. 

“Well… yeah.” Josh shrugged his shoulders. “But we know this about me.”

That caused Sam to smirk. 

“Come on, man. You’ve barely left the building in the last 10 days. Eat a steak. Drink some scotch. Listen to Toby’s version of events about his meeting with Rick Taylor.”

“Well you didn’t mention that it would be dinner AND a show,” Sam quipped, grabbing his jacket. He hadn’t been very social lately, and he knew he could probably use a night off with friends. 

“Where’s your assistant,” Sam asked as they strode through Josh’s bullpen. “And what’s her name? I haven’t met her yet.”

“She leaves at 5,” Josh scoffed. “And I haven’t the foggiest idea what her name is.”

Sam laughed outwardly at Josh’s bad luck with the assistant pool. He had to admit though, his best friend couldn’t be easy to work for. 

“So, uh, how are things?” Josh tested the waters as they exited the White House and began to make their way across towards the street. 

“You know the answer to that.” Sam snapped. 

“Have you talked to him?” Josh ventured. 

“No! Of course not!” 

“Why not?”

“My dad has had a woman in an apartment for 28 years, Josh! Not a one night stand or a two week affair.”

“But he’s still your dad,” Josh offered in a reserved tone as they nodded goodnight to the guards at the gate. “I'm certainly not defending his actions, and I understand that you’ll need some time to process all of this, and of course you’ll want to give your mother the support that she needs, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m just saying that you two have always been close and I’d hate to see a lifetime of a healthy father son relationship thrown away.”

Sam shrugged his shoulders, partially conceding Josh’s point. 

“Excuse me.” A somewhat confused woman approached them with an urgency to her step. Josh immediately noticed her beauty and shot her his best half smile. It wasn’t the first time he’d been approached by a fan. 

“How’s it goin,” Josh nodded his head at the woman, intending for the comment in passing to be the extent of their conversation

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” the woman nerviously licked her lips and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s just… I wasn’t sure how else to get a hold of you.”

Sam rolled his eyes at the prospect of a woman fawning over his best friend. The whole concept of Josh having a fan club was absurd to him. Josh was a good guy and a political genius, but by no stretch of the imagination was he a ladies man. The fan club was, more than anything else, of a source of humor to the senior staff.

“Well, here I am,” Josh smirked. “Live and in technicolor.”

The woman raised her eyebrows at Josh’s corny statement. “I was actually looking for Sam Seaborn.”

“Oh.” Josh deflated like a balloon. 

“I’m Sam Seaborn,” Sam sighed. He didn’t have the energy to be dealing with whatever this was. 

“Yes. I’m aware. I was hoping I could speak to you alone for a few moments.” The woman seemed nervous, which put Josh on guard a bit. 

Josh wasn’t much for nervous strangers these days. He wasn’t much for a lot of things, though. He’d made a substantial amount of progress with Stanley since December, but he knew he still had a ways to go.

“Josh.” Sam’s voice pulled him from his wandering thoughts.

“Yeah?” 

“Can you give us a minute?” Sam furrowed his brow, unsure of what Josh was so fixated on at the moment. 

“Uhhh... yeah.” Josh cleared his throat. “I’ll just be… over there.” He stepped a few feet away and pretended to be scrolling through emails on his Blackberry.

“Hi,” the woman repeated nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot and then staring at the cement for a few moments. “My name is Donna.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Sam smiled courteously. 

“I- yes. It’s a pleasure to meet you too.” Donna seemed thrown off. “I didn’t mean to intrude into your evening, but there are a few things I’d like to speak with you about. Could we maybe, I don’t know, get a cup of coffee?”

“Ah. Donna, I’m sure whatever cause you’re here on behalf of is a worthy cause, but unfortunately I don’t have a lot of time right now.” Sam pulled out a card case and flipped through to the stack he kept in the back. “But here’s some information on what we call Big Block of Cheese Day. You can request an appointment with senior staff through a proxy from Leo McGarry’s office.”

Josh heard Sam give the Big Block of Cheese line, and wandered back over, ready to grab a cab and head to The Palm. 

“What? No.” Donna shook her head. “I’m not here about a special interest group, though I do think that’s a great initiative,” Donna looked at the card. She lowered her voice just a bit to remain discreet on the crowded street. “I’m here about… your father.”

Josh, who had wandered over, took two giant steps backwards and pretended to be closely studying an azalea bush as he glanced over to the woman speaking to Sam. He didn’t shrink from fights, but he wanted no part of that conversation. 

“What about him?” Sam asked through clenched teeth. 

“Well, first of all, I’m sorry you had to find out so… abruptly. I know it’s not easy to have the opinion of a man you’ve held in such high esteem torn down so quickly. You’ll need time to work through it, and I hope you’ll have the support you need.”

“What would you know about any of this?” Sam snapped at the stranger, quickly losing his patience. 

Donna’s heart began to race in her chest, as she fidgeted nervously. “I… Uh…. Well…” She was having a difficult time bringing herself to say it. 

Sam moved to walk away but Donna found her voice, in fear of never having the opportunity to say something again.

“He’s my Dad, too.” she stated, taking a deep breath before having the nerve to glance over to Sam for his reaction.

“What did you just say to me?” He’d stopped dead in his tracks. 

“I said he’s my father too. He and my mother had an affair for close to 30 years. I’m sorry you’re having to find out this way. I’m sorry that this happened to you and that my mother is clearly the source of some… animosity. But if we could just get a cup of coffee and maybe talk a bit?”

“No.” Sam’s mind was racing and all he wanted to do was get out of there. He couldn’t process any of this. 

“Wh- what?” Donna was shocked out of her hesitancy.

“I’m not listening to any more of this.” 

“Sam!” Donna pleaded. “I know it’s a lot to deal with but if you just have a few moments...”

“I don’t.” Sam snapped. “I have an important meeting and you’ve already interrupted my evening…”

“Okay.” Donna nodded her head once. “Well, it was nice to officially meet you.” Neither of them, however, truly qualified the encounter as nice. 

Sam scowled at Donna and nodded to Josh, indicating that they should quickly make their exit. They were a few steps away, climbing into the cab that Josh quickly hailed when Donna caught up with them again. 

“Wait.” She called as Sam stood in the open door to the vehicle. “I wrote you this letter. Just take it. You can read it or never open it, but I’d feel better knowing that you had it.”

Sam hesitated for a moment, before snatching the letter from her and getting inside of the cab, slamming the door a bit and staring straight ahead as the vehicle pulled away. 

Josh glanced over, watching the woman stand helplessly on the sidewalk with the unmistakable pain of rejection washing over her.

“Who is that?” Josh wondered out loud. 

“Nobody.” Sam snapped. 

“She’s crying.” Josh couldn’t look away from her. He was entranced. The woman had obviously upset Sam, but watching her cry was causing some sort of visceral reaction in Josh. He didn’t like the thought of her standing there alone and visibly upset. Not one bit.

Sam let out a puff of air, something between frustration and remorse, and looked down, causing Josh to pull his attention from the scene on the street and look at the stricken face of his friend. 

They rode the rest of the way in silence, Josh understanding that Sam was working through something in his head. 

As they made their way across town, Sam began to truly see the gravity of the situation. It wasn’t just a woman in an apartment that Sam’s father had been hiding. He had an entire secret life.


	2. The Letter

“Whoa.” Josh sat back in Sam’s office chair, practically reeling from the news. 

“Yeah.” Sam sighed from where he stood behind his desk, hands on his hips. 

“I mean…. whoa.” Josh was trying to process the implications of everything that Sam had just filled him in on. He’d known something was going on with Sam after their run in with the blonde woman in front of the White House, but Sam had made it clear the night before that he hadn’t wanted to talk about it. 

“You know,” Sam smirked, “I’m suddenly reminded why I’m the one they keep on payroll to be the voice of the President, not you.”

“You have a sister.” 

Sam honestly wasn’t thinking of it that way at this point. His father had a daughter that Sam knew nothing about. That was as much as he was able to process so far. 

“Maybe.” Sam shrugged his shoulders. 

“What do you mean maybe?”

“Well, what if she isn’t telling the truth?”

“And her motivation for that would be what exactly?”

“I don’t know!” Sam was exasperated, throwing his arms into the air as he shouted. 

Josh raised his eyebrows at the outburst and CJ, who was passing by, stopped to peek in, garnering Toby’s attention as well. 

“Everything okay in here, Spanky?” She quipped, making herself comfortable on the chair next to Josh as Toby stood guard in the corner.

“Not really,” Sam admitted. 

“Well,” CJ glanced around the room, noting the looks of confusion on Josh and Sam’s faces. “I’m your first call. So spill your guts.”

“Okay. Fine.” Sam pulled out Donna’s letter from where it was shoved hastily into the side pocket of his briefcase before tossing it down on his desk, right in front of CJ. 

“You’re going to want to close the door,” Josh muttered to Toby.

“Something tells me I’m going to wish I was on the other side of it,” Toby scoffed as shut the senior staff off from the outside world and gave Sam his full attention. 

“Last night when we left to meet Toby for dinner-“

“And thanks for the invitation, by the way,” CJ interrupted with a snark. 

“You weren’t in your office,” Josh defended. “And I had Carol call you twice.”

“LAST NIGHT,” Sam repeated himself in a louder voice, “when we left to meet Toby for dinner a woman stopped us on the street and told me she is the daughter of my father and the woman in the apartment.”

“His sister.” Josh stressed the point again. 

“Thanks for the clarification,” Toby rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t otherwise able to make the connection.”

“What did you say?” CJ was now completely enthralled with the story. 

Sam recounted his interaction with Donna, going on to explain that he’d been so worked up about the whole concept that he hadn’t been able to think of hardly anything else. He’d felt angry, sad, disappointed, and everything in between until, at 4am after three fingers of scotch, he’d read the letter she’d given him. 

“It was fairly vague,” Sam explained. “But she was almost apologetic in tone. She told me a little bit about herself and that she expected that I’d need some time to process all of this, but she hoped we could sit down sometime and get to know each other.”

“How can you tell?” Josh asked, leaning next to CJ as they flipped through the letter. “Her penmanship is a disaster.”

“He’s right,” CJ agreed. 

“What in the hell is going on around here?” Leo burst through the door. “Senior Staff in my office was supposed to start 7 minutes ago.”

“Leo. You’re not going to believe this. Sam had the craziest night,” Josh began, gesticulating wildly. 

“Oh, Sam had a wild night? By all means then, I’m sorry. Go on. I thought we were leading the free world, not spending the week at Girl Scout camp! My office. Now.” 

Leo stormed off and the 4 senior staffers followed behind, CJ still closely examining the letter as they whispered amongst themselves.

“I just can’t for the life of me figure out what she wants,” Sam continued to wonder aloud as they walked through Margaret’s office into Leo’s. 

“Money would be the obvious answer.” Toby stated flatly. “She’s probably hoping you’ll offer her a few thousand dollars for her to go away.”

“He’s right,” CJ nodded. 

“If she needed money, why wouldn’t she go to Norm instead of Sam?” Josh asked. 

“Maybe she’s already done that.” CJ offered. “Oh! Maybe he cut her off or something. When the secret came out.”

“You’re watching too much daytime TV.” Josh stared at CJ. 

“So we're just going to believe this woman?” Sam looked around the room. 

“Well… yeah.” Josh shrugged his shoulders. “Why would she lie? She didn’t seem the type.”

“Because you could tell from the 20 seconds that you spent speaking to her?” Sam eyed him skeptically. 

“Well, yeah. I’m a professional when it comes to reading people.” Josh kicked back with a smug look on his face. 

“Why don’t you read the Chief of Staff and get your feet off my coffee table before you’re rapidly assessing the quality of people’s character from the unemployment line, hmm?” Leo didn’t even look up from the paperwork he was shuffling through. 

Josh cringed at what he’d done and sat up straight in his chair, his feet on the floor. 

“What was she like?” CJ wondered out loud. 

“She was... peculiar.” Sam stated, remembering her strange mannerisms and the rambling, multidirectional style of her letter. 

“She was gorgeous,” Josh corrected before he realized what he was saying. 

Sam shot him a glare. “Hey man, that’s my sister. Allegedly.”

“Alright, I give up,” Leo let out a defeated sigh, removing his glasses and tossing them onto his desk. “What’s going on?”

“Sam’s alleged sister, the result of his father's 20 something year affair, approached him yesterday to ask for hush money in exchange for her continued silence after their father cut her off.” The Senior Staff collectively turned to stare at the doorway where Margaret was waiting wide eyed for further direction from Leo. 

“Yeah. That’s pretty much it.” Toby stroked his beard. 

Leo picked up the phone and punched in a memorized extension. 

“Who are you calling?” Sam asked. 

“Ron Butterfield,” Leo stated matter of factly. “Some lunatic is attempting to blackmail a member of the President’s Senior Staff.”

“No!” Josh and Sam yelled in unison, causing Leo to pause and look up. 

“We probably don’t need to get the Secret Service involved,” Josh gulped.

“Probably?” Leo verified.

“We don’t.” Josh stated with finality, meeting Leo’s gaze. 

Leo sat the phone back in its cradle. If Josh wasn’t concerned, Leo wouldn’t worry about it. After Rosslyn, Josh had been jumpy about practically everything, and understandably so. 

“Leo?” The door to The Oval swung open and President Bartlet looked around the room. “What’s all the noise about in here?”

“We were just discussing a few things regarding Sam’s sister, Sir.” Toby started as vaguely as possible. 

“Sam!” The President regarded him fondly. “I didn’t know you had a sister!”

“Me either!” Sam said, his normal Sam-like combination of perk and curiosity returning to his voice as Senior Staff and Margaret pieced together the story from the day before. 

“Here’s the letter she sent him.” CJ handed over the paper she’d been holding as President Bartlet pulled his reading glasses out of his breast pocket. 

“Oh good grief.” Leo collapsed back into his chair and shook his head. “I guess I’ll run the world by myself today.”


	3. Who Ya Gonna Call?

“Did you decide what to do?” Josh dropped the greasy bag of take out onto Sam’s desk before knocking on Toby’s window and motionining him over. 

“I’m not going to do anything. I’m just going to go on with my life.” Sam stated as though it were the most obvious decision in the world.

“Where’s CJ?” Toby interrupted.

“Eating a salad in her office.” Josh said around a mouth full of his sandwich. “Said she didn’t like the smell of grease.”

“Cheesesteaks.” Toby remarked with a dry chuckle, reaching into the bag for his order. “Who doesn’t like cheesesteaks?”

“Sam’s not going to call her.” Josh switched gears. 

“The sister?” Toby looked between his friends.

“Yeah.” Josh swallowed, reaching for his soda. 

“And why not?” Toby smoothed his tie before taking a seat. 

“What good could possibly come of it?” Sam asked. “What am I going to do? Pay her rent for the rest of my life? She’s probably just like her mother.”

“Maybe money isn’t what she wants.” Josh grabbed a handful of fries. 

“What else could it be?” Sam scoffed. 

“A kidney?” Toby offered dryly. 

“You do have two of them.” A familiar voice came from the hallway. “Come on Sam, be a good sport.”

“Ma’am.” The three greeted her in unison, jumping to their feet. 

“What can we do for you, Dr. Bartlet?” Toby asked, wiping his hands with a paper napkin. 

“Well, I came to check on Josh and see if he was sticking to the heart healthy diet, but I think I have my answer to that,” she gave Josh a pointed look. 

Josh had the decency to look sheepish. 

“You can either switch to salads and start exercising or start digging your own grave, Josh.” 

“Yes, Ma’am.” He conceded the point. 

Abbey Bartlet wasn’t messing around. She’d taken Josh’s recovery on as her personal mission. She and the President viewed him as a son, and Josh had been through a lot of trauma in the last year. He couldn’t keep neglecting his health and expect to be fine. Abbey had made a promise to Josh’s mother that she would personally see to it that he recovered fully, and she wasn’t going to shy away from that. She’d reviewed his chart, accompanied him to follow up appointments and stayed on his case about his diet. But she’d stop by Josh’s office in the morning for more on that topic.

Abbey turned to leave, bidding the three goodnight. “Oh. And Sam? If your sister needs a kidney, give it to her.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Sam half groaned, already exasperated that the Bartlets knew about any of this. 

OooooooO

Sam tossed the keys down on his entry table, loosening his tie and hitting the answering machine as he made his way to the fridge.

“You have THREE new messages.” The robotic voice announced. “FIRST unheard message sent TODAY at 8:14pm.”

“Dude. Mets over Dodgers today. You owe me twenty bucks and what’s left of your dignity as a baseball fan. See you tomorrow.”

“SECOND unheard message sent TODAY at 8:28pm.”

“Righteousness… Morality…. Merit... Rectitude.... Fortitude... The… the… the…. Virtue?... 

I’m out of pie…

*sigh*

This is Toby, by the way.”

“THIRD unheard message sent TODAY at 8:37pm.”

“Sam? Hi. This is, umm. This is Donna again. Your… um… We met two weeks ago? Right. Well. I wasn’t sure if you still had my number or if, umm, you read my letter? Anyway, if you have a few minutes I’d still love to get that cup of coffee. I can meet you somewhere? Wherever is convenient for you. Anyway, call me, if you want to. 714-555-8937. Okay? Okay. Bye.”

OooooooO

“It’s been a month. Did Sam call her yet?” Abbey asked as she sat in the exam room with Josh, waiting for his monthly follow up with the cardiologist. 

“Who?”

“His sister.” Abbey rolled her eyes. 

“Oh. Donna? No. And I don’t think he’s going to.”

“Why do you say that?” 

“Too much bad blood, I guess. He can’t get over the whole situation. Doesn’t want anything to do with her.” Josh shrugged his shoulders. 

“Hmmm…” Abbey crossed her arms. 

“What?” 

“Well, it just seems to me that this whole situation is rather unlike Sam. 

“It’s hard to tell, you know? How someone would react to being thrown into a situation like that.”

“I suppose.” Abbey nodded her head. 

“Because I have to tell you, Dr. B, if you asked me a year ago what I’d be doing right now, I would not have answered with… this.” Josh motioned around the room, making an odd face in the process.

“And why’s that, Josh? Think you’re too old to be escorted for a check up by the First Lady?”

“No, ma’am.” Josh smirked. Abbey Bartlet had become like a second mother to him after Rosslyn. She’d helped him through his recovery immediately after and for the months following the shooting. He was grateful. Not only for her medical expertise, but that she’d genuinely cared enough about him to see him recover. 

“Dr. Barlet. Mr. Lyman.” The cardiologist re-entered the room. “Everything is looking pretty good, considering. Your diet needs some work, and your cholesterol is a little higher than I’d like it to be, but all in all, I’m pleased with your progress. You were cleared to resume sexual activity a few months ago, any issues in that area?”

“Just the fact that I want the earth to swallow me whole every time you bring it up in front of the First Lady,” Josh mumbled, turning a bright shade of red. 

“Oh, lighten up. We’re all adults.” Abbey toyed with him, knowing it made Josh uncomfortable. “In fact, maybe if you had more of a social life in that department you would lighten up.”

“It’s a very natural problem for men of your age following cardiovascular events,” the doctor told him. 

“Really. I’m fine.” Josh, who was growing more embarrassed by the second, just wanted the conversation to end. Swiftly. For all of his hubris, he'd prefer if no one knew he was going through a dry patch the size of the Mojave. 

“I’ve made a slight alteration to your prescription,” the cardiologist ignored them and tore off a page from a pad. “But other than that, I’ll see you next month.”

OooooooO

Donna stared at Sam’s business card as she sipped from a warm mug of tea. It had been 6 weeks. Though she’d known it was a long shot, she’d hoped that she’d be able to get to know Sam. That they’d grow to be family, and that she’d feel as though she belonged. 

Instead, she was in a new city, halfway across the country, and she didn’t know anyone. She longed to pick up the phone and call her mother. Though the two weren’t always particularly close, in the year since her death, she’d felt this way on more than one occasion. Instead, Donna did the next best thing. 

She picked up her phone, pressing speed dial 3, and hearing the familiar automated answering service pick up.

“Hey, Dad. It’s me. If you get a minute, call me back.”

Norm had kept the separate service for Donna and her mother, Mia, for years. It was an easy, low risk way to get a hold of him if they needed to. It was only a few seconds before Donna’s phone rang. 

“Hey, Ladybug.” Norm’s familiar voice came through the phone, making her feel considerably better in an instant. “You sound like you’re having a rough day. What’s going on out there?”

Donna opened her mouth, wanting to vent her sadness and frustration, but stopped herself, thinking better of it. “Oh, just a long day at work,” she lied. “Missing sunny California, I suppose. What about you?”

“Oh, well, you can always come home,” Norm offered. “You’re very talented, Donna. I’m sure I can help you find something at an architecture firm out here.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.” Donna gave a sad smile from her end of the phone. “This city does have a certain buzz to it, though. I can see why Sam likes it out here so much.”

“Ah, yes. Well, between DC and New York I’m not sure he’s thinking of coming back to the West Coast any time soon.” Norm laughed.

“He must be a busy man,” she tried to broach the topic carefully. 

“Well, I suppose so, yes. But that’s the nature of being a young professional in the White House. And what about you? Aren’t you a busy woman?”

“Yes.” Donna admitted, though in reality, she was thinking that she had ample time to return phone calls. 

“You’ve done well for yourself, Donna. You should be proud, but you sound sad. What’s wrong? Did a boy break your heart? Do I need to come out there and set someone back in line?” Norm tried to cheer her up.

“No, Daddy.” Donna tried to keep it together. 

“Donnatella…” The sound of Donna’s voice immediately heightened Norm’s attention. “Tell me What’s going on.”

“I…,” she sniffled, ready to come clean to her father. “I did something you’re not going to like, but I’m not going to apologize for it.”

“Donna? What are you saying to me?”

“I introduced myself to Sam.” There. She’d said it. 

“Ah.” There was a brief silence on the line. “Well, that was to be expected.”

“Wh- What?” She’d been anticipating anger. 

Norm just laughed. “You’re predictable in that way I suppose. Ever since you were a little girl you’ve been curious and strong-willed, but not without being kind hearted. I suppose it’s only natural for you to have approached Sam.”

“Oh.”

“Your silence makes me think he wasn’t as receptive as you’d hoped?”

“Well…” Donna shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “No. I guess it’s not.”

Norm sighed. “Sam tends to need to think about things before he comes to any kind of decision. He’s just overwhelmed right now, Donna. If it makes you feel better, he’s doing the same thing to me. He hasn’t returned my calls in almost 2 months. Though in my case, I deserve it.”

Donna remained silent. 

“Give him time, Ladybug. He’ll come around.”

OooooooO

“All I’m saying,” CJ reached across the table and plucked a piece of chicken from Toby’s take out container with her chopsticks, “is that it can’t hurt to see what she has to say. I mean, wouldn’t you be able to put this all to rest if you just called her?”

Sam pushed away his shrimp and snow peas. “I highly doubt it. And how is it, by the way, that my dad has an affair and his daughter completely blindsided me on the street and all of the sudden I’m the one getting the angry voicemail from my father telling me to call her back and be nice?”

“Welcome to the world of having a little sister,” Toby told him. 

“Well I’m not going to play this game,” Sam continued on his tirade to his two friends. “I was doing just fine without her. I don’t know why I need to change anything now. Besides. It would probably destroy my mom to find out. I’m better off without Donna and all of the mayhem she undoubtedly brings with her in my life. I have to be… Right?”

OooooooO

Donna stared at the ceiling in her quiet new apartment. She could hear the sirens go by her window, the people deep in conversation on the street and the blistering quiet inside her own apartment. She was certain she’d never felt so alone. So rejected. So disappointed.

OooooooO

“I just need to tell you something.” Josh attempted to pull Sam aside. 

“Josh…” Sam was already borderline irritated. He’d had yet another check in on his personal life from the President, and he was losing his patience on the topic. It had been two months. When were they going to ease up?

“Come here.” 

Sam begrudgingly followed. Josh was like a brother to him, and he’d remained remarkably quiet on the topic for the last two weeks. 

“All right, it was desperation. It wasn't out of a desire to do evil. He had a young family and he made a mistake and all of the sudden he had another young family. I’m not excusing it. Hell, I can’t even stomach it. But he did it. He did it for 30 years but he’s still your father. The same father that a few months ago you called once a week and made an effort to see as much as your schedules would permit. That came out here 6 months ago and took you sailing and bought Toby and I a round of drinks and showed CJ your baby photos.”

“I appreciate that that's what you think. Do I get to think what I think?”

“No, you don't, 'cause you don't know what I know.”

“What?”

“That I would give anything to have a father who was still in my life or a sister that I could get to know. That's it.”

“I’m sorry, buddy.” Sam meant the words with every fiber of his being. “You’re right. I’ll fix things with my Dad. But not Donna. I just… I’m sorry, Josh. But I can’t.”


	4. Rainy Days

“God, I’m just….” Josh ran his hands through his hair, unsure of where to begin. ”I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“Take as much time as you need, alright?” Leo placed a supportive hand on Sam’s shoulder before looking up at Josh.

Josh immediately understood the unspoken question and nodded solemnly. 

“Margaret will book your flight back to California this evening. Your mother will want you home as soon as possible. Josh is going to go with you. He’ll help you handle the arrangements and anything else that comes up. Don’t worry about anything here.”

Sam, still mostly in shock, nodded once. He couldn’t believe it. In an instant he’d lost his father. The call from his mother had seemed unassuming enough, but when he’d heard the tears, followed by the doctor in the emergency department, he knew it wasn’t a phone call to exchange pleasantries. Still, he wasn’t prepared for the news. His father had died of a sudden, massive, heart attack.

“Did you drive today?” Leo asked. 

“Uhh… no.” Sam cleared his throat. “No, I took a cab.”

“Alright. Well, my car will take you home. You can get packed and call your mother. Maybe she has a friend that can sit with her until you arrive, alright?”

Sam and Josh gathered their things, went to their respective apartments to pack so they could board a plane to Southern California in less than 90 minutes.

Once they arrived in Orange County, Josh hung back while Sam comforted his mother and greeted friends and colleagues of his father. Josh ran errands, dealt with the funeral arrangements and helped wherever he could. Unfortunately, when it came to the practicalities surrounding death, Josh knew all too well what to do. If he could help Sam through this difficult time, he’d do so. 

Sam was grateful. For all of his mother’s crying and anger and inability to navigate the situation at hand, Sam was appreciative to have Josh around as someone to vent to. He could have a beer and watch a baseball game without anyone asking him to talk about his feelings. Josh also managed to run point on the White House, which was a favor that didn’t go unnoticed by Sam. 

The morning of the funeral dawned, and Josh stood respectfully to the side of the church entryway. Most of Sam’s family members remembered Josh and said hello, asking about politics or catching up on how he’d been. They’d recounted tales of Norm, Sam and Josh participating in the Seaborn family tradition of racing sailboats on Labor Day weekend. They’d needed a 3 man team, so Sam brought Josh along almost every year. Norm and Sam had been proficient enough sailors that Josh mostly stayed out of the way and was occasionally sick over the side. 

They entered the sanctuary and Josh moved to sit down near the back when Sam’s mother took his arm. 

“Oh, Joshua. You have done so much for us this week. Please. Sit with the family.”

“Oh.” Josh nodded. “Alright. Whatever you’d like, Lorraine.”

The music started and the nave filled quickly. Silence fell upon the church as the prayer began, the only sound being the soft creaking of the heavy wooden doors to the sanctuary. 

Josh, not particularly caught up in Catholic traditions, glanced over his shoulder to see the petite blonde woman he now knew to be Donna quietly take a seat in the back, her small frame seemingly engulfed by the loneliness of the empty pew. 

“What is she doing here?” Sam whispered harshly, following Josh’s gaze. “She’s gotta have a lot of nerve to just walk in and sit down.”

Josh shrugged his shoulders. “She’s just trying to say her goodbyes, too.”

Sam scoffed and shook his head, turning his attention back to the service. 

Sam wasn’t ready to acknowledge Donna, but Josh couldn’t bring himself to be heartless towards her. Especially at her father’s funeral. 

Josh glanced back once more at Donna and noticed how her head was bowed down. Her shoulders shook occasionally and he could tell she was crying. It bothered him for reasons he didn't fully understand.

Communion was served in a process that Josh was certain felt as though it was dragging on for multiple hours. Lorraine’s sister squeezed in next to him to whisper a few words after receiving the sacrament, followed by friends and family offering a squeeze of the hand, until Josh was on the far end of the pew. As the line up the center aisle dwindled, Josh looked over his shoulder once again. Donna was still seated in the back, trying woefully not to make eye contact with anyone, her head hung and her shoulders drooped.

He stood, dusting off his jacket a bit, and discreetly made his way towards the back of the room. She was a bit startled when he sat down next to her. 

She glanced up and Josh could quickly see that she wasn’t handling any of this very well, her red eyes and tear stained face giving away her true grief. 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to her and settling in a respectful distance beside her as the service resumed. 

She gave him a quizzical look, clearly expecting something else entirely when Josh sat down. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered softly. “You don’t have to do this alone.” 

Norm’s business partner of 40 years, Cliff, delivered the biographical eulogy, summarizing his friend's life. 

“But there was no greater joy in Norm’s life than his family,” Cliff remarked. “His lovely wife Lorraine and his son, Sam. Sam, you were always his pride and joy. It seems like just yesterday that he was telling us about how quickly you were picking up sailing, and then driving, and how well you were doing in undergrad. The look on his face, when he lit up with pride telling us that you’d been accepted to Law School. And I think we all know how his bragging continued through your time in the White House. He was proud to be your father, Sam.”

As the eulogy wrapped up, and it became obvious that Donna would not be mentioned. Josh placed his hand palm up on the pew between them, offering it to Donna. After a brief hesitation, she grabbed it, holding on to a relative stranger as though he was the only person keeping her grounded in that moment. 

They remained that way through the rest of the service, Josh giving her hand a small squeeze at the conclusion. They stood, the crowd beginning to suddenly disburse as Donna grabbed her purse, clearly in a nervous rush. 

“Slow down,” Josh whispered, eyeing the crowd around them.

“I have to get out of here.” Donna explained frantically.

“No. You don’t. You have every right to be here, just like everyone else. No one is going to tell you otherwise, okay?”

“But what about-”

Josh gave her a reassuring look, placing his hand on the small of her back and guiding her away from the people, towards a small powder room.

“Splash some water on your face,” he suggested. “Take a minute for yourself. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

“Thank you,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper. 

Josh stood guard in the corner, smiling courteously at those passing by and glaring in deterrence at those who dared head towards the powder room.

“Hey.” Sam appeared out of seemingly nowhere, keeping his voice low as he scanned the room. “Is she in there?” 

“Donna?” Josh gave him a pointed look. “Yes.”

“Okay… Well, hey, thanks for you know… keeping an eye on her.”

“Yeah.” Josh nodded his head. “You guys heading out?”

“Yeah. Mom wants to get back to the house before people come over for lunch.”

“Alright.” Josh nodded his understanding. “You take care of Lorraine. I’ll grab a ride with somebody heading that way. Your Uncle Ted was talking my ear off earlier.”

Sam nodded his understanding and nervously adjusted his cuff links before walking away.

Donna exited a moment later, looking a bit more calm than she had before entering. 

“Hey there,” Josh gave her a soft smile. 

“Hi.” 

“So, I noticed that you arrived a little bit late.”

“I waited outside,” Donna admitted, staring at the floor. 

“What? Why?” Josh was heartbroken at the thought of her standing out on a cold, gloomy morning, afraid to be spotted at her father's funeral. 

“Nobody wants me here.” She stated in a matter of fact way that that struck Josh as very disconnected from the emotion she'd exhibited earlier. She really believed that she didn't belong.

Josh studied the room, thinking quickly on his feet. “Let’s step back over here, okay?”

Donna followed his lead without question, and he paused to have a quick, private word with the priest, his hand still resting on Donna’s back as she stood nervously beside him. 

He thanked the Father before opening the doors to the sanctuary and leading her inside. 

“Do you want a few minutes?” Josh asked. “I can wait outside. But I thought you may want to say goodbye. Privately.” He felt a little out of place, standing with a near stranger during a highly personal moment. 

“Will you come with me?” She asked, her voice as quiet as a mouse. 

He nodded his consent, walking with her to the front of the church and hanging back a few feet as she approached the altar. He could see her lips move, but he couldn’t hear her words. He watched her gently touch the casket, pause for a moment, and turn around. 

“Thank you.” She told Josh. 

He had the unmistakable desire to wrap her in a hug. But given the complicated nature of the situation at hand and his lack of familiarity with her, he wasn’t sure what to do. So he opened his arms to her, offering his support without being overbearing. Having no one else to turn to and needing reassurance of some kind, Donna stepped into his embrace, allowing herself to hold onto him, resting her head on his shoulder. He gently rubbed her back, not wanting to pull away from her until she was ready. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” She asked softly, her arms still around him. 

“What do you mean?”

She pulled away from him, and Josh immediately found himself wishing she hadn’t. “All of this.” She gestured around to the casket in the empty room. “Why do you care?”

“Donna, I’m not heartless. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know the ins and outs of your life story, but no matter what brought you here, you still lost your father. And I know how hard that can be.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

He was stunned that even in her grief, she was concerned. 

“Look, I better go. I’m sure they’ll need you at the wake.” Donna eyed the side door. 

“You’re not coming?” Josh clarified. He’d assumed as much, but he didn’t want Donna to be alone in her grief right now. 

“No. I don’t think that would be appropriate.” She looked down, fidgeting with his handkerchief, still in her hand. “Dad always kept his lives very separate, and I’m going to continue to respect his wishes.”

“Can I buy you a cup of coffee?” The words were out of Josh’s mouth before he knew what he was saying. 

“Me?” Donna looked up at him in surprise.

Josh nodded. “Of course.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Where’s your car?” Josh asked as they stepped outside into the drizzle. 

“Down the block.” Donna reported. “This way.”

“You parked down the block?” Josh was perplexed.

“Yes.”

“But… why?”

“I didn’t want anyone to see me,” she told him. “I didn’t want to make things worse.”

His heart ached at her pained response. He was beginning to understand just how little she thought of herself in this situation. 

“Well,” he offered, “you don’t have to hide around me.”

She studied him curiously, unsure of exactly why Josh was so accepting of her presence. 

They reached the black Jeep at the end of the block, and Donna fumbled for the key ring in her purse. 

“Are you alright?” Josh clarified. “Do you want me to drive?”

“Okay,” Donna nodded, handing him the keys. 

He climbed into the driver’s seat. The vehicle had to be approaching 20 years old, but it was immaculately kept. 

“I’m not really familiar with this part of town,” Josh stated as he pulled into traffic, heading hesitantly towards the main street. “But I think I passed a coffee shop just a few blocks away.”

Donna said nothing as she stared blankly out the window, watching the world go by. 

“We’re here,” Josh announced, pulling into the parking space. Donna glanced over, her face showing her disappointment when she realized the coffee shop was buzzing with people. 

“I can, uh, just run in for them,” Josh offered. “What’s your order?”

“Peppermint latte,” Donna mumbled. 

Josh was back to the vehicle shortly, holding two warm cups of coffee. He handed Donna hers and she thanked him, trying her hardest to give a smile. 

“You know,” Josh smiled a bit, fiddling with the coffee collar on his cup. “It occurs to me that we’ve never officially met. I’m Josh.” He turned to gage her reaction. 

“I know,” she gave him a hint of a smile. “And I’m Donna.”

“I know.” He grinned back, pleased to see that she was at least talking to him. 

“So,” Josh attempted to continue some light conversation, “Sam told me you’re an architect. How long have you been in DC?”

“Not long.” She took a sip. “About 3 months. I took a job with Salazar & Winston. They’re revitalizing some townhomes and it seemed like a good resume builder.”

“I know that place,” Josh beamed. “I pass them on my way to work every day. They’re across the street from this bakery that our friend Toby likes.”

“Make Pie Day?” Donna’s eyes lit up. “I love that place.”

“He does too. Won’t admit it though, because he hates the pun in the title.”

Donna giggled, which Josh found to be nothing short of adorable, and a comfortable silence fell over the car. 

“Josh?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you here?”

“What do you mean?” He furrowed his brow. 

“Because if it’s to keep me away from the wake, you don’t have to worry. I wasn’t going to go anyway.”

“What? No!” He was shocked that she’d think that. 

“Does Sam even know you’re here? Or did he send you to talk me into leaving him alone. Because I didn't mean to bother him. I know I shouldn't have stopped him on the street like that, I just didn't know what else to do. I really wanted to meet him. Then I did call him twice. I shouldn't have, I mean I get it, I just, I just, I just . . . I’ll leave him alone. I really didn’t mean to annoy him. I must just have that effect on people…” she was rambling on, and she seemed like she was about to lose it.

“Whoa. Slow down.” Josh attempted to calm her. “Nobody’s trying to keep you away from anything. I’d never do that, Donna. I just want to make sure you’re ok. This is a rough day for you, and I didn’t want you to be alone.” 

A few tears spilled over, but Donna quickly wiped them away and sniffled a bit. 

He turned sideways in the driver’s seat, facing her, and attempted to reach out to touch her arm in comfort. “I know how you feel, Donna. I understand.”

“You know nothing about me.” She recoiled at his touch, her demeanor changing from morose to angry in a flash. “You couldn’t possibly begin to understand.” 

“I’d like to,” he remained level headed. “I’d like to listen.” 

She wiped her tears. “I'm sure you have more important things to be doing. I should never have wasted your time. I’m sorry.”

“Donna, please. Don’t do this. At least let me drive you home so I know you made it safely.”

“No. I’ll be fine. I am fine. You should just go.”

“See, the thing is, you’re not very convincing.” 

“I don’t have to convince you of anything,” Donna retorted. “I barely even know you.”

“You’re right,” Josh stayed calm. “You don’t have to convince me of anything. I believe you, Donna.”

She closed her eyes for a long moment. “Listen, it’s been a really long day. I just want to go home and get some rest, okay?”

“Okay,” he told her softly. She probably wanted to be with someone who could comfort her, he thought, unsure of why he was disappointed by the idea that he wasn’t enough.

“I really don’t know my way around over here, so if you want to just drive to wherever you’re staying, I’ll head home from there.”

Josh pulled out from the coffee shop, heading back towards Sam’s house. He was by no means a local, but he knew the route well enough to be confident that he could find his way without trouble. 

“So, where do you live?”

“Santa Monica,” Donna responded, leaning her head against the window. 

“And do you like it there?” Josh tried for some small talk to take Donna’s mind off of things. 

“It’s okay, I guess. Though technically I live in Bethesda now.”

“Bethesda?” Josh made a face. “Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why?’” Donna furrowed her brow.

“Because you work down the block from my place. Why do you live all the way in Bethesda?”

“Well they’re not exactly paying me a million dollars a year, Josh,” she laughed. “Rent is a little more reasonable in Maryland.” 

“Oh.” Josh cleared his throat, saying nothing about the substantial wealth that he knew Norman Seaborn had amassed in his lifetime. “Well, if you ever need anything, I’m close by,” he offered. “I read that the trains were down for 2 hours last week because of a blackout.”

“Yeah,” Donna nodded her head. “I went back to the office to wait it out.”

Josh reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, pulling out a business card and handing it over to Donna while he focused on the road. 

“Here,” he told her, pulling out a pen from his jacket. “Write this down.”

Josh spouted off his cell phone number and home address, telling Donna that next time she was more than welcome to pay him a visit. He just hoped she didn’t mind cold pizza and a messy apartment. That was typically all that he could offer. 

“Why are you giving me your home address?” She questioned. “You just met me. I could be a crazy person.”

“I’ll take my chances,” Josh grinned at her. 

Donna laughed, examining the card before tucking it carefully in her wallet. When she looked up, she was clearly taken aback by the neighborhood they’d turned into. Large, multimillion dollar homes were tucked into a perfectly manicured country club setting. 

“This is where he lived?” Donna asked, the shy quality returning to her voice. 

“Umm, yeah.” Josh tread carefully. “You’ve never been here before.”

“No,” Donna shook her head, taking it all in. “The neighborhood is beautiful.” 

“That’s it,” Josh pointed to the large home at the end of the cul de sac. 

“Stop here,” Donna requested immediately, the urgency evident in her voice.

Josh did as requested, stopping the vehicle in the middle of the road. 

“I think you should get out now.”

Josh pulled over and Donna exited the vehicle, rounding the front of the Jeep and meeting Josh at the driver’s side door. 

“I don’t think you have to be this concerned,” Josh stated, realizing that Donna didn’t want to risk being seen outside of Sam’s home. “In the unlikely event that someone even notices we’re outside, you still have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’d rather not get into all of that,” Donna admitted. “I’m just ready to go home.”

Josh held the door for her as she settled back into the driver’s seat.

“Josh?”

“Hmm?”

“I hope Sam’s doing alright. With all of this, I mean. I never wanted to make anything worse for him. I know he was close with Dad.”

“He’s doing fairly well, considering. Don’t give up on him, Donna. He just needs some-”

“Time. Yeah.” She finished the sentence for him, closing the door and looking at Josh through the rolled down window.

“Right. Well, drive safely, okay? And call me if you need anything, alright? Actually, will you call me either way and let me know you’ve made it home? Please?”

She gave him a little smile. “Thanks, Josh. You’ve been really wonderful to me today. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I’m glad I could help,” he admitted. “And Donna?”

She looked up at him, the vehicle in gear and ready to drive away.

Josh reached out and ever so lightly touched her arm. “I’m truly sorry for your loss.”


	6. Coming to Terms

Josh let himself into the Seaborn home, going largely unnoticed as he made his way upstairs and changed out of his suit. Most of Sam’s extended family had already offered their condolences and left, leaving only close relations lingering in Lorraine’s sitting room. 

“Hey.” Sam was waiting at the bottom of the staircase as Josh descended. “You wanna grab a couple beers and sit on the deck?”

“Sure.” Josh agreed, following Sam’s lead and making himself comfortable in an oversized chair with an ottoman overlooking the pool. 

“So,” Sam began, staring off into the distance. “I didn’t see you earlier. My uncle Greg was pouring glasses of scotch and telling the story about sailing in that storm. And you were nowhere to be found.”

Josh paused mid sip. He had no regrets about the time he’d spent with Donna that morning, but he knew Sam well enough to be able to tell when he was irritated. 

“I took Donna out for coffee.”

“You took Donna out for coffee.” Sam repeated with an edge to his voice. 

“Well, not out for coffee in that sense,” Josh clarified. “But I bought her a coffee and sat in her car and let her cry until I thought she was okay to drive home.”

“Well that’s… odd.”

Josh shrugged his shoulders. “She needed someone.”

“Look,” Sam pinched the bridge of his nose. “I appreciate all that you’ve done this week. But you’ve got to let this thing with Donna go. She’s not your project.”

“You’re right.” Josh found himself overly defensive in an instant. “She’s not a project. She’s a woman who just lost her father and had to sit alone at his funeral. So forgive me for trying to be a decent human being. What is with you lately? This isn’t like you.”

“What am I supposed to do, Josh? Hmm? Welcome her with open arms?” Sam sat his drink down and squared off with his best friend. “Because honestly, Josh. She’s a stranger. And right now emotional needs of someone I don’t know aren’t taking precedence over my grieving mother.” 

“Whoa. Slow down. I’m not suggesting you drop everything and cater to Donna. And neither is she. I’m just saying… I don’t know what I’m saying.” He was becoming flustered, running his hand coarsely through his hair.. “I know you’re hurting, Sam, but did you ever think that maybe she’s hurting just as badly?”

Sam sighed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. 

“Honestly?” He looked over to Josh. “No. And I know that’s selfish of me. But over the last 3 months it’s been all that I can do to keep my head on straight. Finding out that my Dad had a second family has really tilted my world on its axis, you know? I know he wasn’t perfect. But there’s a big difference in figuring out that your father has human flaws like everyone else and discovering that he’s been living a complete lie for almost as long as you’ve been alive.”

“It wasn’t all a lie though, was it?” Josh offered. “I mean, your relationship, the time he spent with you? That was all real.”

Sam said nothing, releasing a puff of air in acknowledgement.

“It was, Sam. You know it was. Did you ever talk to your Dad about any of this?”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded his head. “A few weeks ago.”

“And?” Josh waited for a response. 

“He told me that he wasn’t asking for my understanding or for my forgiveness, but that he hoped we could move forward. I agreed, obviously. That’s what I wanted, too. But I still had some questions. I asked him about the woman. About how it started and why he never ended things. He told me that it was accidental, in a lot of ways. That he’d met her when he was out with colleagues. She was a bartender, and one thing led to another. He said that he realizes it was wrong, but he kept going back. That he was able to relax a little bit around her. It was hard to hear, you know? I would have been 3. It’s hard to hear that your father didn’t want to come home to you and your mother when you were 3 years old.”

“I would imagine so, yes. I’m sure that was difficult for you to hear.” 

“It was,” Sam nodded his head, leaning back into the chair. “He told me he’d answer any questions that I had, but I knew at that point I didn’t want the answers. I just wanted our relationship to go back to the way it had been before all of this came out, as naive as that was.”

“I don’t know,” Josh shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t fault you for wanting that.”

“I asked him if my mother had kicked him out of the house.” Sam continued to speak. “He told me she hadn’t, and that it was complicated, and left it at that. I realized that at that particular moment, I probably didn’t want to know why she hadn’t promptly filed for divorce. You know what else I didn’t ask?”

“What?” 

“I didn’t ask if he’d stopped seeing her. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know.”

“Have you, uh, spoken to your mother about any of this?”

“Vaguely.” Sam admitted. “You know she’s not big on sharing emotions. And God forbid we appear to the neighbors as though we might have some flaws. My dad and I never really got into the details about the other woman. And honestly, it’s probably better that way. There’s one thing I’m stuck on, though.”

“What’s that?” Josh finished his beer.

“My Dad, the last time I spoke with him, said something I can’t get past. I asked him if he had any regrets. He told me yes, that he had a list, but that most of them were petty annoyances or things he’d do slightly differently. But one thing that sticks out in my mind is that he also told me he thought that I would have been a good brother. And that perhaps I’d missed out on one of life’s more complex relationships by not having a sibling.” 

Sam picked at the label on his bottle, and Josh remained silent. 

“He confided in me,” Sam admitted, getting choked up as he thought of one of the last conversations he had with his father. “He told me that he knew he’d made a mess of things when it came to raising a family, but that he was proud of me. Proud of the way he raised me. But do you know what else he said? He told me that he was proud of Donna, too. But he wasn’t sure he could be proud of the way he’d raised her. That stuck with me, I guess. So yes, I pushed her away. I can’t spend my life making up for his failures.”

“Well, I can't say that I agree but we don’t need to get into that now. I’m honestly sorry if it’s felt like I’ve been pushing you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to need a little bit of time to process all of this.”

“Pushy? Is that how members of Congress would describe you? A little bit pushy?” Sam was smirking, letting Josh know it was all in good fun. 

“I can’t help it that I’m always right,” Josh hit back. 

Sam rolled his eyes, standing. “If only Leo we’re here to hear you say that.”

He gave Josh a manly embrace with a clap on the back. 

“Thanks for everything you’ve done over the last few days,” Sam said with sincerity. “I don’t know what we would have done without you. But I have to ask you to let this thing with Donna go. She’s bad news, I can just tell.”

Josh said nothing. He knew Sam would do the right thing eventually, he just hoped it wouldn’t take him too long.


End file.
